Sleepless in Convergence

SLEEPLESS IN CONVERGENCE

Sleepless in Convergence is for entertainment purposes and not meant to replace therapy, couple's counseling, or for someone to shape their life's choices based upon the advice given.  Reader's discretion is advised.

Dear Sleepless,

First of all, I hope you are having a wonderful Holiday Season.  Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or any of the other equally valid Winter Holidays; I merely hope that it was wonderful and that you and your family feel blessed in everything that you do.

Now then, on to the reason for me writing to you.  I was wondering what your thoughts were on so-called, 'New Years Resolutions.'  It seems like people are rather polarized about them.  There are those who believe in them wholeheartedly and every year stand in line to make some sort of grand declaration of what they are going to change for the next year, and then there are skeptics who flash out all these statistics about how such changes simply do not work.

What do you think, Sleepless?  Are New Years Resolutions <redacted> or should I try to plan some sort of change in my life with 2025?

Sincerely,
Ch-Ch-Changes?


Dear Waffle Iron Face,

I do believe that was the most precisely indecisive letter that I have ever received.  First, thank you for your well-wishes, and I hope you too had a good Holiday Season.

Now, let's get to the meat of what you are asking, shall we?

The 'answer' is pretty much as wishy washy as you are.  New Years Resolutions work enough to give others hope that making one might bring about change.  If they never worked, then no one would ever do them.  It's like going into a Gambling Hall and putting money into a slot machine.  If the machines never paid out, then the Casino would die.  However, they pay off just enough to give customers the hype necessary to keep putting money into the slots.

Am I saying that making a New Years Resolution is like gambling?  That depends on how you do it.  For some who have tried and failed, you might have likened it to gambling.

What someone should really look at when coming up with ways to better the next year, is not to imagine a magical way that everything can be fixed, but to seriously evaluate how things were done in the past, respect it as a solution that may or may not have been the best one, and come up with some realistic ways that things can be improved.  It is not so much a 'resolution' as a 're-solution.'

So, to answer your question, are New Years Resolutions <redacted>? 

It simply depends on the situation.






Dear Sleepless,

This is not the most important letter you will receive this Holiday Season, but it is perhaps one of the more food oriented ones.  I am sure you and perhaps your readers will recall the two-headed turkeys that ran wild before Thanksgiving.  I, like some others, took to the streets to grab a festive bird for dinner.  In fact, I ended up grabbing three and turning my dinner table into one sumptuously glazed turkey feast to remember.  Couple that with the green cranberry sauce and goodness did me and my family eat!

Now, you're probably wondering why I am bothering to write you at all.  Is there anything in this letter that could possibly warrant advice or the like after such a mouth watering introduction?  After all, what can I have to complain about?

Truthfully, I do not have much to complain about.  My thanksgiving was lovely; one of the better ones since D13 truth be told. Though, it did cause a rather odd conundrum.

We ate too much turkey.

Now, when I mention the idea of having turkey for Christmas Dinner, my family groans and makes a terrible face.  Pretty much no one wants to eat turkey for Christmas this year!

Sleepless, can you please suggest something different for Christmas so that we won't feel like we're over-stuffed?  No pun intended.

Sincerely,
Tired of Turkey


Dear Birds on the Brain,

That is an interesting conundrum indeed!  It clearly demonstrates how one can have too much of a good thing and why moderation is always the road to be taken.  Over-indulging is rather what Thanksgiving has become known for, but it is not for what it originally stood.  Not that I need to tell anyone this, but it is a day of giving thanks, and the feast is a symbol of togetherness for giving that thanks.  We share on Thanksgiving, not become gluttons.

Be that as it may, let me see if I cannot answer your original question; as it is clear you have learned your lesson from the shear amount of groaning that is likely being collectively expressed through your household due to your overindulgence.

The following are some meal ideas for you and all other Convergence Citizen's Holiday Meals:

Instead of turkey, why not...

Honey Bourbon Glazed Ham, made only from the finest slaughtered Murder Pig.
Spiced Coriander and Mustard-Crusted Rib Roast, made from a freshly killed MukMuk.
Spice-Rubbed Salmon with Herb-and-Pomegranate Raita, who cares if the fish had two heads with a recipe this tasty!
Slow-Cooked Sweet and Sour Pork Shoulder with Pineapple; every pig is more dandy with pineapple nearly candied.
MukMuk Chuck Eye Roast with Paprika-Herb Roast Rub; who doesn't like Paprika?
Butter-Poached Lobster with Kimchi Butter Sauce; I've heard Kimchi is an acquired taste...
Roasted Chicken with Cranberry-Apple-Raisin Chutney; why not have chicken instead of turkey??
Celery Root and Mushroom Lasagna; for those who aren't into too much meat!


Whatever you decide to have or not have this Holiday Season, please remember the most important thing is family, friends, and the feelings you surround yourself with.








Dear Sleepless,

It occurs to me that I see all these letters written to you by die-hard fans.  It must be nice to have all these people fawning over you for simply giving common sense advice.

I, myself, am not a fan.  I kind of think your column is <redacted>.  However, I really wanted to write in and see what you would say to honest criticism.  I know you're not going to actually publish this, so I'm just sitting back laughing as I write.  Thanks for not taking the time to read this, so you can prove my point.

You only publish the things that worship your <redacted>.

Such a joke.

Sincerely,
Not a Fan


Dear Waster of Everyone's Time,

First of all, if it was common sense, then why would people need to ask?

Secondly, there is no criticism in that drivel of a letter for me to respond back to.  You didn't offer up anything that would make my column better.  You're just <redact>ing about how people like my column.

Also, I take time to read every single letter that comes in, even ones like yours that are, honestly, pointless.  I also read children's letters with cute little drawings.  We don't publish them because colored things are really hard to put into print.  We, however, hang every single one upon the walls of the Chronicle and people are free at any time to come look at them.

Sooo, what point are you trying to make here?  What is your point exactly?  Is your point that my column is a joke?  Well, it's supposed to be for entertainment purposes, so yeah, maybe it is!

Now, this lets me segue into something.

I have never understood this phenomenon and I never will.  The idea that something or someone can have 'haters.'  If an individual does not like something, why spend so much time engaging, watching, or bothering it?  Whether it be the way a person dresses, a television show, how a house is painted, what an individual chooses to pray to, or who they want to <redacted>; why spend so much time and effort in your life - inserting yourself into it?

If you don't like it - stop - involving yourself - in - it.

If you do not like my column, then don't read it.  It really is that simple.

Everyone, stop wasting yours, and everyone else's time, and stay out of things you do not like and only engage in the stuff that you do.  You, and everyone else will be so much less miserable.





Dear Sleepless,

First of all, I love your column and I'm a long-time reader.  I have been around for quite some time and I won't be upset if you do not reply to me.  My issue is not that big of a deal and I am down-to-Earth enough to realize you probably get a boat-load of letters each month.

That being said, I do have a sort of dilemma and I'm not sure what to do about it.  It's kind of embarrassing and as such, I would rather jot it down to you, whom can be viewed as a stranger, completely oblivious to my situation.  I can trust you to be impartial and also, few of my friends read your column and my girlfriend hates it.  So I am free to put my <redacted> out there without fear.

So here goes.

I have been dating this woman for a while and I really like her a lot.  We have a lot in common, she's pretty, and let's face it; it's the end of the world and the list of available people gets shorter by the day.  However, after we started to become intimate with one another, things got a little weird.

My girlfriend started pulling out toys and at first I was into it, but she's starting to go overboard and it's making me feel uncomfortable.  At first it was just handcuffs and blindfolds, but now she's started to put a dog collar on me, and forces me to do things that, well, you'd probably have to completely censor out of the paper.

I really like this girl, but I'm not sure what to do about the sexual incompatibility between us.  I hope you can understand why I chose to write to you instead of talking about it with my friends or family.  I'm sort of embarrassed someone might laugh, because I'm a guy and I should be able to take care of myself, or whatever.  I realize that some people are into this sort of stuff, and I respect that if you do!  But I tried it, and I just don't like it.

What do I do?

Sincerely,
Whipped and Confused


Dear BSM & Did Not Consent,

First of all, thank you for your patronage.  I am glad you enjoy the column.  I also appreciate you not insisting that I publish your word vomit, inappropriate snuff, or random rant about noisy neighbors.  You are correct in assuming that I get a lot of letters and most of them I wouldn't wipe my <redacted> with.  Yours, however, I actually felt that I could do justice with a reply.

While it is true that the dating pool since the introduction of D13 into the world is getting slim, that doesn't mean that we should all settle for the first person that comes along in order to repopulate the world.  The sadness I feel at even attempting to conceive of that almost makes the ink run upon this page.  Almost.

Be that as it may, let me get to the issue at hand.  Please, please, anyone and everyone that is reading this paper, understand that no one, no matter what sex, gender, or other identification has a right to force anyone else to do something of a sexual nature that s/he/hir/otherwise is uncomfortable.  I can see your predicament and how it came about quite well.  When you realized your girlfriend was kinky and, at first, consented to such things, only to find that she used that initial consent to manipulate you into further encounters that were beyond your scope.

Men.  Can.  Say.  No.

Read that.  Understand it.  <Redacted> commit it to memory.  Just because a man has a <redacted> erection does not mean that he wants you to <redacted> <redacted> <redacted>.  He might not even want a <redacted> <redacted> <redacted>!  I mean <redacted>!

So, what do you do?

Tell her how you feel.  Tell her you are uncomfortable, and if she insists upon forcing you into scenes without your consent - end the relationship.  Period.

The thing about BDSM is that it is supposed to be safe, sane and consensual.






Dear Sleepless,

I have been an avid reader of your column since you started some two'ish years ago.  There are so many interesting, thought-provoking, and sometimes down-right ridiculously questions that come through your column.  I have often thought about writing, but I could never quite come up with a good question to ask.

In fact, I do not really think that I have a decent question, now.  However, sometimes, I wonder if people forget about the health and well-being of those who take time to entertain us.  Thus, it leads me into my question.

Hey! How are ya??  I would just like to know how things are going with you, Sleepless?  Can you give your readers some simple updates on what life is like for you?

Sincerely,
Your Biggest Fan


Dear Mildly Creepy Admirer,

I must admit that your letter was giving me the warm and fuzzies, until I got to the very end.  You seemed genuinely concerned and even charming.  Then, I read the part about being my biggest fan, and could not help the alarm bells going off in my head.  I even looked over my shoulder for someone holding a chloroform rag.

It's nothing personal!  Please, just always remember that we live in Convergence and weird <redacted> happens here.

As to your question, I am honestly doing quite well.  I appreciate you asking me.  While it is true that when I came to Convergence my life was <redacted> and I didn't have two <redacted> <redacted> to rub together.  But now I am happily married and have two beautiful <redacted> and we live in a <redacted> <redacted>.

Yes, by-in-large, my life is <redacted> <redacted> <redacted> and it's beautifully, <redacted>.


Dear Sleepless,

I have read this column religiously for over a year.  I really enjoy how you answer your readers and that while you are snaky; it somehow comes off as also being caring.  With that in mind, I hope you do not get upset about my question.

The reason that I am sending my question the way I am, is because there have been so many wonderful questions answered over the months; is there really much left to answer?

Thus, here is my question to you Sleepless.  What color should I dye my hair?  I have done black roots with frosty white downward to the ends, I've been bright blue, blood red and even green!  I am simply not sure what screams, 'I am still surviving the apocalypse,' anymore.

Can you help me?

Sincerely,
Hairy Day


Dear Hair-Brained <Redacted>,

This has got to be one of the most <redacted> questions that I have ever received.  However, am I any less of a <redacted> for replying to it?  I suppose we are all just a bunch of <redacted> <redacted>.  At any rate, let me try to answer this question in the most snarky and caring way possible.

Let me first start by addressing the issues which circle citizens of Convergence at the moment.  It is always best to consider the issues at hand during the apocalypse so that you can coordinate your hair and wardrobe accordingly.  If there is one thing that people who move to Convergence learn quickly, it is that we are one <redacted> of a well-dressed city.

So then, we currently have people being kidnapped through portals by diseased Fae from another dimension and there are 'eye-stalks' appearing in thin air staring at people.  You must make your hair somehow reflect your friends and family disappearing into the unknown, while also showing some cosmic paranoia, as if there are literal eyes watching you.

My suggestion is to make your roots dark, use an iridescent purple that tapers down into a bit of pink at the ends giving you an almost 'galaxy' look on your head.  It is mysterious, dark, and will have your friends in awe.  Make sure that your wardrobe reflects the unknown and tragedy as well!  Remember, Convergence has a reputation to uphold when it comes to how sexy and well-dressed we are during the apocalypse.



Dear Sleepless,

I am just your average, everyday, ordinary Convergence Citizen.  I have lived and worked here for about two years.  I have a wife, daughter and a dog.  We are pretty average in every way.  We try to stay out of major conflicts, but as I have medical training, I sometimes aid with patching up wounds after battles.

While you are probably reading this, assuming I am going to complain about PTSD, nightmares, gang violence, tentacles in my bathroom, or something else of that nature.  Truthfully, I am pretty happy with my life.  It is almost like living as a nameless NPC in an RPG.

Be that as it may, I do have a concern that I thought perhaps you might be able to help with.

Our home tends to take care of itself, and we are grateful to ADA for this.  When there are Earthquakes, fire from the sky, or otherwise something strange that damages our property, 9 times out of 10 if we just give it some time, the building will right itself.  One cannot really ask for a better place to live as far as I am concerned, with regards to this at least.

However, there is no real 'insurance' when it comes to personal property.  This is especially true with muggings or random disappearance robberies.  It is not always so terrible and I know plenty of tips and tricks to keeping my things safe after having lived here for so long, but I cannot help but wonder if maybe there is something that I am missing.

Do you perchance know of any ways to keep my earnings and/or personal property more safe?

Sincerely,

Just an Average Citizen

Dear Re-emerging Blue Shirt,

Congratulations on the color of your shirt.  It appears as if you were born under the NPC star of privilege.  Unlike others of your kind who wear Red Shirts and are expendable, your family, for whatever cosmic reason, is a family of privilege.  You are the lucky ones who return scene after scene, and while no one can quite remember your name, they snap their fingers, because they remember your face.  You are pleasant, easy-going, and sometimes even receive a witty one-liner.

As you appear to be an NPC of privilege, I am at liberty to aid you in a pleasant and easy-going manner.  Through this interaction, you might even gain a name or at least a nick-name that could potentially lead to your own small subplot or a spin-off.  I sincerely hope that you are able to gain more momentum and that the readership enjoys this segment, so that we can bring you back. 

But at any rate, let us get to the meat of what you wish for me to discuss.

Destruction of private property, or the taking/losing/etc. of things in Convergence is an everyday occurrence that many of us have had to deal with.  Whether you are the bum on the street that had his favorite change cup yoinked, or a prominent citizen whose priceless golden statue of an elderly man's <redacted> was stolen during an art exhibit; we all can and probably will, be victims at some point in our Convergence lives.

So what can we do to minimize the damage, or perhaps guard against it before such things begin?

Well, with the infrastructure of the world having gone to <redacted> I can say with utmost certainty that trying to buy an insurance policy at this point is a <redacted> <redacted>.  However, there are places and organizations within the city that might offer certain 'services.'  These services might be considered underhanded, but is crime itself not underhanded?

An individual might find their way to the <redacted> <redacted> and trade <redacted> or <redacted> for <redacted>.  This can seem <redacted> but can one really put a price on <redacted>?  There is also the possibility of heading down to the <redacted> <redacted> and speaking with <redacted> <redacted>.  One might have to prove themselves worthy with some sort of <redacted> or a <redacted> but once you're in with the <redacted> <redacted> it will probably cost you less for similar services than the <redacted> <redacted>.

Honestly, I cannot say which is better, <redacted> <redacted> or <redacted> <redacted>.  Maybe you could go to the <redacted>, instead and plead your case for needing free help?  It couldn't hurt.  There's always the <redacted> <redacted> <redacted> as well, but good luck finding anyone to <redacted> <redacted> <redacted> <redacted>.

At the end of the day, Convergence is simply <redacted> <redacted> <redacted> and sometimes we have to <redacted> <redacted> <redacted>.  But it's better than living outside with all the <redacted> <redacted> <redacted> eh?

Dear Sleepless,

I hope this doesn't come across as one of those horribly stupid questions that you sometimes answer just to be a funny <redacted>.  You see, in the month of May, since we appeared upon this 'New Earth,' has been rather calm and quiet.

While I realize that some of the pipes were damaged and we have a water issue, and a boil water order; is this really what someone would call an 'emergency' for Convergence?  We just buried over 10,000 people!

Can anyone look around and say that we escaped certain destruction of our entire way of life and be like 'oh yeah, that boil water order is so terrible!' with a straight face?  I mean seriously.  This is <redacted> Convergence!

Anyways, so my question is this.

I want to enjoy the quiet.  I want to hug my wife and daughter and smile.  I want to mourn my mother, aunt, and brother, but also be glad that those who survived; are truly alive.  However, I find myself waking up at night and rushing through the house to check on everyone.  I check locks, I open and close windows over and over again.  I stare at shadows and sometimes just sit up at night holding a shotgun.

I'm not happy.

I cannot settle down.  I am always waiting for the Dark Dogs to jump through the window and sometimes I can even see them chewing on my brother, again, just like it was happening all over again.

Am I wrong?  Am I wrong to want the best but expect the worst?

It's starting to make my wife angry at me that I simply won't come to bed and hold her.  I want to! I truly want to!  I want to be happy.  I want to enjoy this new world and believe that we won the war, but who in Convergence can truly say that defeating the Dark is the end?

D13, Celestials raining brimstone, Humans First releasing poison gas, Elementals waging war, and then the Dark, and those aren't even ALL the things that me and my family have lived through.

Are the wars really over?  Because I seriously doubt it.

So I ask you, Sleepless; can I be happy here?

Sincerely,
Just a Man


Dear Average Guy with PTSD,

I think the first thing that you need to be told is that you're normal.  While one might not want to think about it, most, if not all, of the Citizens of Convergence probably suffer from some sort of mental illness due to trauma of how we live.  You, Sir, are describing the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

You actually sound like an individual that has gone off to war, come back to his family, and is trying to adjust to 'civilian living.'  This is likely how a lot of Convergence is living, now.  We're all really waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Will it?

I honestly cannot say.

What I can say, is that a lot of us need counseling, and you could probably use someone to talk to.  I know there are not a lot of Mental Health Professionals in Convergence, but if you have the means, please seek one out.  If not, perhaps seek something in spirituality, or even a hobby?

Whatever it is, try to find something that is healthy.  Do not turn to drugs or alcohol as many do, because while that is a temporary band-aid, it is only going to make things worse; especially with your wife.

If you won't do it immediately for yourself, think about your daughter.  How you handle these struggles will be passed down to her.  Remember that the more you survive, the more of a survivor she will be.

This is something that I say to all my readers.  You are not surviving for you, but for the generation that comes after you.

Do you think that we survive that you can live another day?  Naw, that's not it at all.  We survive, so that we can build something better for the generation that comes after us.

The legacy that we leave behind is for the children that manage to struggle to be born during things like this.  Do you realize that there are children out there still being born?  Do you know that pregnant people fought the Dark?

Close your eyes and repeat those words to yourself, "Pregnant people fought the Dark, and how we survive shapes those children's future."



Dear Sleepless,

I know there are a lot of very important and pressing matters that individuals are having to attend these days, but there is something weighing heavily upon me.  It does not have to do with thousands of dead bodies, or even war with the Dark.  What I really want to know is...

Who painted my house blue!?

I was away to the mainland trying to hide and hope for the best like any sensible person during all the fighting.  I was in the basement, tucked away with provisions, lots of classic novels and some wholesome prayers, when the world seemed to turn inside out and upside down.

When I came to, however long later.  I went outside to discover two moons.  What I also discovered in my paradise away from Convergence, was that someone had painted my family's shelter home blue!

What kind of craziness is this?  Did the Dark send someone out to make my home look like a Smurf and put this God awful dusty rose color on the shutters?

I do not understand this atrocity!

Clearly, I had to return to Convergence right away, because there's no way I'm going to spend my time in this new Earth, inside a blue house.

Eternally Grateful for your Help,
Extremely Blue and Confused


Dear Cowardly Lion Wholly Focused Upon the Wrong Issues,

Did you seriously just write to me because your house is blue?  Really?  Seriously?  This is a letter that I am typing a response to right now to be published in the paper?

It must be a new Earth because not only have you lost your mind, but I have too.

Let me first commend you on your running away and tucking your head between your legs capabilities.  While 10,000 people lost their lives, you were reading a book in a basement.  How quaint; and pathetic, I might add.

Now, let me explain why your house is blue.  The Dark did not paint the <redacted> thing.  It's a different house!  Are you an idjit?!

We find ourselves in a completely different dimension, where everyone here has died and things were mostly the same, but slightly different.  Apparently the you who lived here before, and was probably also cowering in the basement, had a much different color palette than the you that exists to write me stupid letters.

Tell me; did you also find a skeleton in that basement?  Because newsflash!  That was the other you that painted that house blue!

You're welcome.




Dear Sleepless,

My name is Jessica.  You printed a wedding proposal last month from my, then boyfriend, Ted.  Well, I just wanted to update everyone that he is now my fiance'.  I did end up saying, 'yes.'

I stared at this column for much of the day in shock and awe.  I know what people are probably thinking, 'You didn't rush right home to tell him?'  No, no I didn't.  Considering how rocky things have been, how we met, and the impending doom from the Dark, I decided I wanted to give it some thought.

I wanted to make sure that I wasn't jumping into something based on fear and not on love.  It is easy in the times that we live to hop feet first into something because we are scared of being alone, or afraid that when the end comes there will be no one holding our hands.  I didn't want that to be the reason that I marry, Ted.

I think it has given me hope, falling in love with Ted.  There has been a manner of normalizing and feeling like things truly can get better.  I have done my best to slow down and evaluate our relationship at every turn, because I refuse to let what we have be one of those crazy relationships based only on tragedy.

So, when I read his proposal in my favorite newspaper column, I waited and thought about it and really considered how much I loved him and what our future could be together.

By the end of my work day, I still wanted to marry him and I was thinking about what we could be as a couple, assuming we survive the Dark.  I had hope, happiness, and people were commenting that I was glowing.  Not just the normal 'oh you're so happy, you're glowing.' I was apparently literally glowing.  I think somehow I was accidentally casting Light Magic.

Be that as it may, I want everyone out there to stop, look, listen and feel.  Consider the people you are with and what you can be together as couples, families, or even just friends.  Do not settle for something simply because you might die soon.  Find what is right for you and meet what is to come head-on.

We're all worth it, and so is this world.

Sincerely,
That One Girl



Dear Chick That Got a Ring On It,

I really do not know what to add to what you wrote.  There are often times that I want to smack some sense into those that write into my column, but for the first time in a long time, I think you and Ted have got it right.

Go forth, survive and make this world some awesomely smart and well-adjusted babies.



Dear Sleepless,

I'm not sure if you remember me, but I'm the guy that who wrote about taking a date to the Park and being distracted by the weird statue of the melting horse.  Well, it's been a while and not only is the statue gone, but also the girl that I once tried to woo in front of it.

I thought a lot about what you printed and my approach to trying to impress dates.  It really hit home when you called me cheap and easily distracted.  At first I wanted to be mad and say you didn't know me, but then I started to call up old girlfriends and ask them if it was true.

Every single one of them said the same thing - I was cheap and easily distracted.

That's when I met someone that really shook me to my foundations.  I say that both literally and figuratively because there was an explosion and the two of us ended up having to be evac'ed from a building on one of the poorer sides of the city.  Our eyes met through smoke and soot;  I can't even describe it.  People always laugh when I say, 'I couldn't breathe,' but I swear it wasn't the ash!

It was her eyes.

That's when I decided that I couldn't act like I always did before.  I couldn't be a cheap <redacted> that only pretended to listen to women and try to give them what they want.  This time it was love and I had to do it right.

For our very first date I went to the Greenery and picked up some fresh vegetables.  When she got to my place I was doing my best not to burn veggie stir fry.  She laughed and came into the kitchen to help me.  She put her hand over mine and we cooked together and just talked.  I had never had such a deep conversation as I did that night, cooking side-by-side with someone who nearly died in an explosion with me.

During that conversation I confessed that I was the guy from your column and she laughed so hard, because she actually loves the Chronicle and reads Sleepless every time it comes out.  Right before work she's going to get this delivered to her doorstep and she's going to read it while walking, probably through the rain and sipping coffee with three sugars and just a bit of fake cream, since the real stuff is far too expensive.

Sleepless, please, print this for me because I need to ask the most beautiful, intelligent and loving woman in the world something -

Jessica, will you marry me?

Sincerely,
Ted, aka Cheap-O with ADHD



Dear Ted Who Got a Clue,

I sincerely hope she says 'yes' or else we just spent a lot of money on ink and paper for the entire city to see you make a <redacted> of yourself.



Dear Sleepless,

Last year really sucked!  No, I mean seriously.  Can anyone say that they had a 'good year' last year?  Did anyone get so overly lucky that they can afford not to try some of those weird luck gathering traditions for the new year?

Anyways, the point to this letter is that I am down-on-my-luck and I would like some advice on how to start this year off on the right foot.  I am not the most cultured individual and my New Years has usually just started with me getting drunk and crying into a bottle of whatever happened to be cheapest at the time.

What are some New Years Holiday Traditions that I can try out?  I'll do anything and everything.  No, seriously - I'm desperate!  Tell me about all the ones that you know and I'll get started right away on every single one of them!

Sincerely,
Trying to Get Lucky



Dear Sad Sad Gambler,

Wow, this is by far one of the most pathetic letters that I have ever had on Sleepless in Convergence and that's really saying something.  How could I pass this off and not respond?  I am a person of the people and I must respond to my people!

Or something.

Anyways, there are many holiday traditions when it comes to New Years.  I would imagine that D13 has done away with quite a lot of them.  If you want to start with Western, somewhat easy to uphold traditions.  There is always the kiss-for-luck-and-love at midnight on New Years.  As long as there's someone around to pucker up with - that's one that you can hopefully start off the New Year with a bang on.

There's also the ole' 'greens and beans' tradition.  For those who do not know what this entails, it is the tradition of eating Black Eyed Peas and Cabbage on New Years Day.  Some say that the idea of eating black eyed peas on New Year's started during the United States Civil War.  Peas were considered animal food at the time and not fit for Union Soldiers.  This meant that the peas were left for Confederate soldiers who considered themselves lucky to have a meal of peas and salt pork in the dead of Winter.  Other sources say it goes all the way back to the Egyptians who at the time thought it was a sign of humility to eat peas before the Gods.

The cabbage (or sometimes collard greens) is eaten to insure prosperity.  The green represents money.  The real truth is more akin to the fact that greens are a late crop.  That means, especially in the south, they would be plentiful and ready for harvest in early January.  Especially back in the 1700-1800's, having any kind of fresh vegetable in the dead of Winter meant good nutrition.  Now, more than ever, this is becoming true again.

At midnight New Year's Eve in Spain it's customary to quickly eat 12 grapes - one at each stroke of the clock.  Each grape supposedly signifies good luck for one month of the coming year.

In China they paint their front door red to symbolize happiness and good fortune and then hide all the knives in the house so no one cuts themselves.  Which would cut the good fortune of the family for the year.

Brazilians eat lentils and Austrians eat suckling pig dishes and peppermint ice cream.

In Japan they will ring 108 bells to show that all 108 troubles have been eliminated.

And in Wales they will open their back door, shooing out the old year and then immediately shut and lock it so it cannot get back in.

Shew!  It looks like you have a lot of stuff to accomplish.  If you're really dead-set on getting all of that done to insure that you have a prosperous year - good luck buddy!

Note that these are only a few places, there are many many more traditions and all it takes is a trip to your local Convergence Library to look up some more!





Dear Sleepless,

I am a single mother of two children and my elderly aunt lives with us.  We do not precisely live in the slums, but it is close.  Our place is what you might consider 'on the line.'  It is the space where bars are upon the windows and we can hear gang fighting not too far away.  These are the places where rent is cheaper, and getting in touch with a landlord to actually fix something is next to impossible.

I work odd jobs closer to the nicer areas of the city, however, with the snow what it is, being able to work is becoming more and more of an impossibility.  A few of the places who happily gave me hours to clean motel rooms, or serve food to customers have closed their doors.  We shall soon be without heat, and eventually I fear the landlord we never see, shall send some big brute to throw us out on our rears.

If it was only me, I know I could and would manage in whatever way that I had to.  However, there are my children, 12 and 15 and my aunt who, while can get around, is not able to stay on her feet for very long.

I realize that your advice column, on the whole, is meant to be funny or even thought-provoking, but if you could find it in your heart to answer me, I would be beyond grateful.

What can I do about my family?  I am not certain where to go, or what services might be available to me.  I have a strong back and I am willing to work.  I am not much to look at.  You might consider me one of those women that was 'road hard and put away wet,' but I learn fast and I am good with my hands.  D-13 might not have been kind to me, but I will never bemoan my existence, only seek to rise above.

Please, help us.

Sincerely,
A Mom Without a Clue



Dear Plain Jane,

Wow, what can I even say to this story?  I imagine that these sorts of situations are cropping up all over the city and faster than the sun can rise and set.  What kind of <redacted> would I be not to publish this?  It is not just relevant to you and your family, but to the entire city.

I will try to make this list of helpful tips and aid as exhaustive as I can, but I am sure that I will be missing stuff.  If there are people out there that wish to have their information published about where to go for help, shoot the Convergence Chronicle a note and we will get it out as soon as we can.

Now, then, to the measure at hand.

First and foremost, I recommend going to either the Diner or the Food Mart and simply telling the people there about your aunt.  Let them know that you cannot stay where you are for very long and that you are going to need help moving her.  There are strong backs and good people there that can probably find you either someone that can carry her, or someone that has something that can pull her through the snow.

As for places to go; as far as I know, at this point, the Remnants Art Gallery has hollowed out its space and put down cots, the Silk District Brothel has set aside space for those who are without warmth, the Hollow Theater, and the Factory Club as well.  Ask around at these places to see if there is adequate space for you and your family and then get with those who can help you move your aunt.

There is a rumor going that if you get too cold, get to one of the street lamps around the city.  Simply stand beside it for a bit, and it acts like a heater.  The snow around the street lamps is melting rather rapidly.  One can only assume that the city itself is doing its best to keep the citizenry warm, so make sure that you and especially your children stop by the lamps often as you trek.  You will get much colder than you realize.  Do not push yourself.

Food is scarce right now, but there are plenty of places that offer a 'one free hot meal' if you keep a look out.  It doesn't happen everyday, but just try to keep an eye out for it.

Make sure to dress in layers and once you get settled somewhere that you are warm, ask the place where you are if you can work there for food, or if they need extra workers for small bits of money.  Places like the Silk District, the Factory Club, the Lovecraft Bistro, and the Diner are almost always hiring.

I sincerely hope this helps not only your family, but the entire city.







Dear Sleepless,

Do you believe in Santa?

I know that's probably a weird question, but there's so many things out there that cannot simply be tossed away as fantasy, anymore.  It's got me thinking that maybe things we stop believing in at a young age, we really shouldn't.

My friend told me that a lady lit a special candle one night, and a big group of people in Convergence saw children's 'imaginary friends.'  So if <redacted> 'imaginary friends' are real, then why not Santa, or the <redacted> Easter Bunny?

I may be freaking out a bit and had too many pot brownies, but seriously.  A cloud of weird <redacted> swept over the city and nearly killed us all.  It deposited some crazy <redacted>, including what my friend Larry swears was a 'SpiderBear.'  So why not Santa?

I've seen that guy walking around.  I've seen his big <redacted> red bag of whatever.

What if Santa is real!?

Sincerely,
Freaking Out a Bit


Dear Stoner Sam,

While I want to ridicule you and tell you to put down the pot brownies; you make an interesting point.

There is so much crazy <redacted> <redacted> out there that I can't really fault someone for believing in Santa, anymore.  Who is to say that there isn't an immortal out there who gets his jollies from granting wishes?  It isn't all that far fetched if you consider some of the <redacted> that's happened to Convergence over the past year or two.

Hell, let's consider for a moment that Convergence itself is a magical city that simply appeared off the coast of Oregon.

The legend of Santa spans a few different cultures and there are even the more 'demonic' sides like Krampus

Try as I might, I just can't poke holes in what you are saying, because in truth, you're simply poking holes in what our life is right now.  If someone wants to believe in Santa, or perhaps more succinctly, the possibility of an individual with the magics to spread good cheer, <redacted> it, go for it!

Merry <redacted> Christmas!






Dear Sleepless,

I hate this time of year.

There are kids everywhere throwing eggs at my house.  People leave pumpkins on their doorsteps for so long they start to sag and look like sad beanbags.  To say nothing of all the people rotting their teeth with candy.  All the while, someone is playing Christmas music like October 1st somehow signifies it's time to put up a <redacted> Christmas tree.

I hate this time of year.

It doesn't make a lick of sense.  Can you please tell people to stay the <redacted> off my lawn?  The sign is not a Halloween decoration, it's to keep all the hooligans off my lawn!

Sincerely,
Sick of the Holidays


Dear <Redacted>Bag,

I wasn't aware that my advice column was a place to <redacted> about <redacted> you don't like.  I had every intention of burning your letter on a jack-o-lantern I carved with my kids.  However, then I got to thinking.  What better way to get your house egged a few more times, then by actually publishing this hunk of Ba-Humbug garbage?

It's one thing to not like commercializing of a holiday, but it's another thing to just be a <redacted>.  I mean why do you think those kids egg your house?  I can guarantee you that it's not because you're super nice to them and put out a rocking jack-o-lantern shaped like a <redacted>.

Holidays are not about being completely perfectly correct about how things were done a hundred, or even a twenty years ago.  Holidays are about building traditions with those you love and cherish, today.  If you aren't particularly cool with how your neighbors do things, then why not do your own thing?  If you do not like giving out candy, then why not make something else?  If you don't like pumpkins, you can do something else, and it still look cool and be fun.

Here's a whacky idea, why not invite those kids onto your lawn and bob for apples, or play them spooky songs, or holy crap dress up like a Thing and scare them away like that!  How cool of a story would that be both for yourself and for them if a Thing came out of your house and oozed toward them on Halloween night rather than some crotchety old fart?

This is Convergence, and the one thing I know about the citizens of Convergence is that we <redacted>s are creative.  So, get creative!






Dear Sleepless,

There is a lot of crime in the world today.  Heading to the slums is sometimes like a de-militarized zone.  At certain times of the month it's not safe for an individual to leave the house.  I heard on the radio about public enemies and even ADA supposedly has a 'hit list.'  However, who do you think that Citizens of Convergence should really avoid?

Sincerely,
Scared of the Bogey Man


Dear Potential Fear Monger,

Oh boy.  This is a can of worms that I really wasn't sure that I wanted to open.  However, it is a valid concern on the one-hand, and so I have chosen to answer it to the best of my ability.

First and foremost, I would very much suggest that you listen carefully to NPB's about dangerous individuals and should ADA make a note about a dangerous individual to be captured, that is probably someone you should avoid.  I would not suggest the average reader or listener go out and try to collect bounty money on said dangerous individuals because they have those bounties for a reason.  Typically they are violent, have avoided capture, and use forbidden magics which cause permanent irreversible damage.  Also, due to the state of the world, quite a few may have had contact with the Dark.  So!  If you hear about a dangerous individual this way, do the sensible thing and steer clear.

Now, that is out of the way, depending upon where you go in Convergence there will be different people listed as 'dangerous' or 'people to avoid.'  Most of the time things such as this are cultural and there are quite a few 'gang feuds' in Convergence.  They're mostly just turf wars, and they do spread beyond the slums into the nicer areas.  If you come upon what appears to be some sort of 'street fight' just walk away.  Seriously, do not get involved in turf wars and for goodness sakes do not follow a man down a dark alley when he's offering candy.  Sometimes things really are that simple.

As for the Chronicle itself, The Convergence Chronicle does not endorse the actions of Humans First, nor Tomorrow Sky and would encourage others not to get involved with either.  The reason for this is that the Convergence Chronicle does not agree with fear mongering or hate mongering.  These two groups are linked to terrorist acts, use fear of the unknown to make people hurt one another, and just flat out have been seen first hand by people within the Convergence Chronicle to harm others for the sake of harming them and preaching either death and chaos, or that one group is 'better' than another.  We simply do not believe in this, and do not believe in the violence these two groups have caused.

We would also suggest avoiding Elementals, should a citizen miraculously ever see one again.  They appear to be completely gone from the world, but on the off-chance you actually ever saw something that even looked like one, we seriously discourage you from approaching it.  They were known slave traders, violent creatures, and generally just not nice people who used forbidden Portal Crafting.

When staying safe in Convergence, it is really not all that hard.  Avoid dark alleys, mists, thick fog, clowns with axes in their heads, and anything with tentacles or dripping black ooze.  And of course, always bar your doors and windows and remain inside on the Full and New Moons.







Dear Sleepless,

I realize this is probably not the format to look into something like this, but I am not sure where to turn.  My friends and family do not even seem to believe me when I tell them the story of what is going on in my downstairs bathroom.  I am scared that I am going crazy, but I am more scared that what I am seeing and experiencing is real.

A few days ago I was doing laundry and I heard this gurgling sound.  What I call my 'downstairs' is actually a converted basement.  I live in what used to be a small apartment building with the majority of the tenants having left because the place is pretty run-down.  Where I am is just skirting on the slums, so as you can imagine, it is not a great place and prone to weird sounds.  I assumed it was the pipes or something, but it kept going.

Eventually I went to what we call the downstairs bathroom, which is near what used to be the communal laundry area of the building.  That is where I saw black stuff oozing out of all of the drains.  Not only was it black stuff, but it moved!  It was like something straight out of the Ghost Busters 2 movie, only instead of pink ooze trying to eat my baby, it was black ooze trying to eat me!

Perhaps that is a bit of an exaggeration, but not by much.  I slammed and locked the door and did not return until a few days later when I wanted to see if it was still there.  Not only was it still there, but the stuff was starting to set-up shop on the walls, ceiling and floor like some sort of mold, spore or fungus!

The weirdest part of all, is that I invited people down to look at the bathroom and each time that someone goes there and checks it out, there is nothing there.  It is as if it only shows itself to me!  It's not only crazy, but incredibly frustrating.  I would imagine if I were merely insane, it would still be there when I open the door and I would just be gesturing wildly at the air with everyone sort of staring at me.  However, when I bring other people down there, I can see that it is gone, like it shrank away.  As if it heard me coming.

I know this sounds insane, but I do not know what to do.  Should I move?  I've stopped doing my laundry down there.  I go to the Laundromat instead.  I'm just not sure if I'm seeing things or this is real.  It's almost like something out of a horror film.

Sincerely,
Trapped in a Horror Flick



Dear Lucky You Aren't Infected,

This is only a huge stab in the Dark (hur hur), but it sounds like some seriously nasty stuff is bubbling up through your pipes.  If I were you, I would get the heck out of Dodge.  Anywhere and everywhere you see 'black ooze' is pretty much guaranteed to be bad news from here on out.

I mean, other than the occasional time some really lucky guy struck crude oil, having black ooze just randomly bubble up around you is typically indicative of bad things.  Now, let's throw in the fact that it disappears anytime you bring friends or relatives to view it?  That just stinks of 'time to move out.'

On a good day it is barely a good idea to live near the slums, and now with so many attacks by the Dark coming in, I cannot in good conscience tell you to remain in that house.  At this point, I'm kind of hoping you're still alive to see this publication and be able to heed its warning.

If you are having trouble with funds, I would suggest going to the Union Building and asking for help, or heading over to the Silk District and asking for a job.  There are plenty of 'refugees' in the city that are escaping bad situations and getting aid from those more fortunate.  While I realize suddenly having to leave your home is going to suck, the alternative would certainly suck worse.






Dear Sleepless,

I know this is probably not the place for this, but I decided to write anyways.  Normally this column is reserved for something silly or scandalous, but I wanted to write something serious and heartfelt.  I do not particularly care if you publish it, I just want to write because I want my thanks to hopefully get into the right hands one way or another.

My nephew Christian was one of the children who went missing after the 'Junior Citizens Watch' was formed.

Let me preface by saying that I never believed ADA or Mister Smith to be corrupted and I thought the Citizens Watch was sketchy at best.  However, at the time, I did not have custody of Christian, my brother did after the death of his wife, Gena.

It was my brother who sent Christian to the Citizens Watch and my family was devastated when he stopped coming home.

However, Christian has been returned to us and we were told at the Nexus when we were reunited that a young man by the name of 'Alexi' was helping with his physical and mental well-being.  This individual does not work at the Nexus and was merely volunteering.

We asked Christian about Alexi and from his description, we cannot help but think that this Alexi is the owner of the Convergence Chronicle.  Whether or not this is true, this 'Alexi' really helped Christian after whatever happened to him.  He seems healthy, happy and not at all what you would expect out of a young boy who went through such a recent tragedy.

My husband Chase and I are now taking over care of Christian with the support of our family and from the bottom of our hearts, we want to thank not only Alexi, but all of Convergence for stepping up and saving our nephew.

Sincerely,
Thankful Uncles


Dear Thankful,

Wow, that was a very powerful story and a very powerful message.  Let me first state that you and your husband are incredibly brave for stepping in and taking over the care of your nephew after not one but two tragedies.

Clearly your brother did not take his wife's death well and was looking for something to fill the void.  While the easy thing to do would be to vilify him over improper care of his child, I hope that people can see beyond that and to realize he is hurting and probably did the best he knew to do.

Moving on from that, you and your husband had a tough decision as it required you not only to take over the care of a child who has been through a lot, with the death of his mother, the poor mental health of his father, and now the most recent trauma, but also to do so over the head of your hurting brother.

Kudos, I applaud your strength.

Now, to the reason you wrote the letter in the first place.  The Convergence Chronicle cannot confirm nor deny that any 'Alexi' from our staff has recently been volunteering at the Nexus.  However, as you can see from the fact that we published your letter, regardless, hopefully this Alexi as well as all of those who participated in saving the children will see your thanks.





Dear Sleepless,

You mentioned the horse statue next to the Nexus last month in your column.  You talked about its history and some cool facts about it.  I found the article really interesting and was impressed by the relational and dating advice you gave as well.

However, not long after last month's newspaper hit the stands, the statue disappeared.  Are you guys at the Chronicle aware of this?

Now, I'm not saying you had anything to do with the disappearance of the statue.  I know that sounds rather insane, even by Convergence standards.  But I'm wondering if you could help me out with a little problem.

My wife and I have been together for six years.  I love her with all of my heart and soul, but her mother is a <redacted>.  She moved in with us after coming to Convergence and I just can't stand it anymore.  You have to help me get rid of my mother-in-law, Sleepless.

Please!  Can't you make her disappear as well?

Sincerely,
Want to Make Love to My Wife in Peace


Dear Throw Mama From the Train,

Holy goodness I don't even know what to say to this.  I wasn't going to reply to this one, but then I thought it was just too good not to publish.

First of all, I wasn't aware that the statue disappeared, but now that you mention it, I cannot help but wonder how the <redacted> something like that happened.  I mean that statue is huge!  How does something like that simply up and disappear?  Then, I remember that I live in Convergence and go 'oh.'

Secondly, it sounds like you and your wife need to have a night out on the town and leave your mother-in-law at home.  Do something romantic, insist upon dinner, take her to the baths in the Silk District.  Get busy somewhere other than your home.  I mean there is a motel and a brothel, do I have to spell things like this out?

Also, this is Convergence and who is to say someone won't break into your house while you're out giving it to your woman the way she deserves.  Or maybe, just maybe, this paper really is magical and she'll disappear while you're out because I mentioned it.





Dear Sleepless,

I recently had a disaster of a date and I'm looking to have my next one not go quite so badly.

It started off fine.  I took her to the Park and we talked while watching the ducks.  Then, we took sandwiches over to the benches near that statue in front of the Nexus.  You know the one I'm talking about right?  It looks like a giant horse that's melting for some reason?

Anyways, this is when things went terribly wrong.  I kept staring at that creepy horse and wasn't really paying attention to my date.  She started talking about her mom, her dog, and her aspirations, but I was just staring at that statue over my sandwich.  Eventually my date noticed all I was doing was saying 'uh huh' to everything she said, got pissed and stomped away.

I feel really badly!  I really am into her and want to make a go of this, but I don't want creepy stuff derailing me.  Do you have any suggestions for a second date?


Dear Cheap-O with ADHD,

First and foremost, stay out of the Park.  The Park is not a good place to be these days.  Between evil ducks, Dark portals and random muggings; I'm pretty sure that just sitting out in the middle of the street sharing a beer is a better date at this point.

Secondly, there is a very rich and interesting history to that statue.  Supposedly that particular statue used to be in an elaborate courtyard in the Silk District.  Said courtyard was filled with dragon and horse statues and the horse itself was not melted.  Once-upon-a-time that horse melted in a terrible fire; one of the many the Silk District has suffered.

Now, let us all move on to your problem of needing a nice place to take a date.  Convergence is a vast metropolis filled with many attractions and places to take a date.  Stop being a cheap <redacted> having sandwiches on a bench and give your girl a real date.

Plan something truly romantic with dinner indoors out of the rain, drinks, and perhaps even dancing.  There are many places you could go, like the Diner, Bistro, Silk District Sushi Shop, Green Door Tavern, and/or the Factory Club.

If you are truly strapped for cash and cannot handle a huge expenditure right now, how about going to the Greenery or the Convergence Super Market and buying some fresh produce and making a meal yourself?  A romantic dinner indoors cooked by yourself can be quite romantic and it shows that you put forth effort.  Not only that, if you are alone in a room that is familiar to you, there's less chance of those pesky, spoopy distractions.






Dear Sleepless,

I am having a really hard time coping lately.  I have lost a lot of friends and family to D13 and to the disasters that plague Convergence.  I know that my friends and family that are left love me, I am just constantly afraid I am going to lose them too.

I find myself pulling away from everyone and just wanting to hide in my room and smoke pot.

Maybe if I can make everyone mad enough that they don't love me anymore, it won't hurt as much if they die.  I know it's stupid, but at the same time it makes this weird sort of sense.

I don't know what to do anymore.  I need help, but I don't know where to turn.

Sincerely,
Lost and Alone



Dear Clinically Depressed,

Get. Out. Of. Your. Room.  I know it is hard and it doesn't seem like there is any point anymore, but you have to get out of your room and interact with people.

Put down the joint, no seriously, put it down.  That is not helping you right now and if anything, it is probably making you more depressed.  It may be numbing your senses, but it's also numbing EVERYTHING.  You're not even enjoying the high anymore, you're just avoiding life.

Listen, you're describing going beyond the sorrow of loss and dipping into very real depression.  You have to get out and seek help.  I would seriously suggest going to the Nexus, but if that seems too overwhelming, then just talk to someone in your family and let them know that thoughts of loss and death are becoming overwhelming.

You are right, you really do need help.

This goes out to you and anyone else that is feeling the loss of how this world has turned out too heavily; take a walk, go get coffee at the bistro, call a friend, do anything that is not just sitting around.  If you don't get up and get moving you're only going to get more depressed.

There is still a lot of this world left and if we refuse to let ourselves be dragged down, we can make it beautiful again.






Dear Sleepless,

There's this lady that I've been in a casual relationship with for a while now.  She's asked to get serious a couple of times, but I've skirted around it.  I fully intended to make her my serious girlfriend, but I was just waiting for the right time.

Now, she's started sleeping with other people and it's just weird!  I mean I thought she actually cared about me and that's why she kept asking to get serious.  Now, she's screwing other guys and putting her boobs on everyone that will look?

What am I supposed to do with this?

I mean, I don't want a woman that can't be faithful.  Clearly she knew I was about to make her my woman and now she's out playing games and trying to 'test' me or whatever it is that people do?  I'm not all about that.

What should I, Sleepless?  I really thought she was The One, but now I'm starting to think she's just another slut.


Sincerely,

Bundle of Feels Confusion



Dear Self-Absorbed Twat,

It looks like you had a really good thing, but you squandered it, because you're the one that likes to play games.  You're playing the Macho Trash Game.  I sincerely hope that woman flashes her tits for the entire city and gets as much dick and pussy as she wants.

You don't deserve her.

This is for all you people out there that want to do that whole, 'but I wanted to be the one that asked' bullshit.  If you have someone you care about and they blind-side you with 'let's go steady,' get your head out of your ass and say 'yes.'

It's the end of the world and there's no telling if tomorrow a giant asteroid made of pudding might just fall out of the sky and kill you.  It's much better to get those feelings out and let people you care about know you actually cared about them.  Otherwise, they're going to look at your grave and think, 'that sorry asshole was a good lay, but didn't give two shits about what a nice person I was, or that I folded his socks for him.'

You need to tell people that you appreciate the way they fold your socks.







Dear Sleepless,

Once again I am spending Valentine's Day alone.  This is the fifth year in a row and it's really starting to get me down.  This year I even called up my mom to see if she wanted to have coffee or dinner, but she blew me off because she had a date.

Can you believe that shit?!

What do I do Sleepless?  I'm beginning to think that I'm an undateable loser.  I realize that I'm not the most attractive person in the world, but even ugly people get together and have babies.

What gives?

Sincerely,
Alone on V-Day


Dear Large Right Hand,

I think you should probably stop looking.  Get a hobby, get a dog or a cat, and for Goddess sake stop calling your mom for dates.  That's just creepy.

The thing about love is that you don't find it; it finds you.  When you finally accept the fact that you will be alone forever and become a crazy cat lady, THAT is the moment that you will trip and fall into someone's lap.

Fate is a cynical bitch that likes to slap you with a funny fish.  Accept your loneliness; TRULY accept it.  You have to embrace who you are and only then will She reward you.





Dear Sleepless,

I really like your column and while I enjoy how it's sometimes lighthearted, I also like that you tackle real problems in Convergence.

I have a genuine problem in my love-life and I find myself at an awkward cross-roads.

During the Red ADA difficulties, I was very scared and kept to myself a lot.  I live alone in a small apartment, but around me is my family.  I'm an adult, but I've never really fallen in love or felt the need to try.  It's just me and my cat Jesper.

Anyways, there's this robot who lives nearby and at first I was frightened, but she went out of her way to protect us.  She even put-up with my family being horrible to her and saying mean things.  Sometimes at night she would stay at my apartment and we'd just sit and talk for hours.

I guess the long-story short is that I grew to like her a lot and I think the feeling is mutual.  Somehow?

Sleepless, is it possible for a robot to love me?  I mean can this be love?  I'm so confused.

I want this to be real, but I do not know what to say or do.  Please, Sleepless, help me out!

Sincerely,
In Love With An Appliance


Dear In Love,

Being in love is a crazy, mixed-up, scary place isn't it?  It makes you feel happy, scared, and even sad at the same time.  Right now you're thinking about all the 'what ifs' and cramming them into your brain and your emotions at the same time.

Your family is clearly prejudice against robots and they're feeding it into your mind that this person cannot love you back.  The truth of the matter is that the person you love may or may not be able to love you back, but not because she's a robot.

People love or do not love, it's as simple as that.  What you need to do is sit down with your friend and ask her how she feels.

That is the crappiest and simultaneously best conversation you will ever have.

This is all I can do for you.  I can just tell you to take a chance.  Take a chance on love, because robots love just like any other kind of person, but whether or not your friend loves you, I absolutely cannot know.  It's up to you to ask.

I wish you the best of luck and if this is true love, invite me to the wedding!





Dear Sleepless,

I attended the public hanging the other day and it has me and some of my friends a little worried.  Sure it was scary and the idea that there are spooky people that might drag us to gallows is frightening, but what bothers me the most, is that there is a rumor Jackson Jones ran 'Sleepless in Convergence' advise column.

My friends and I really enjoy the column and are afraid that with the young man dead, we might not be able to read our favorite part of the paper any longer.

Won't you please write to us and let us know that Sleepless is alive and well?  It would really mean the world to us.

Sincerely,
Worried and Restless


Dear Self-absorbed Cunts,

I am terribly sorry to hear that you are losing sleep over the idea that 'Sleepless in Convergence' might not be put out in the paper anymore.  However, what I find deeply disturbing is that you seem more concerned over your own personal entertainment than the fact that the husband of the owner of the paper was executed.

A man died you waste of space.

We at the Convergence Chronicle had every intention of ignoring your letter, but thought it would be much more fulfilling to spend some time letting you know what a self-absorbed twat you are.

In addition, to anyone else that might be wondering - Sleepless in Convergence shall remain a monthly running article, so keep those letters coming!





Dear Sleepless,

I am new to Convergence and have started looking for a job.  It seems kind of difficult to find anything decent around town.  I'm not medically trained, and I'm not really interested in waiting tables.

So far I've just kind of been standing on a street corner and giving hand jobs and blow jobs in an alley for pocket money.  It's not the best thing, I know, but it gets me by.

Do you think you could give some advice for the working guys and gals that just breezed in?

I'd really appreciate the hook-up and I'm sure a lot of other people would too.  People aren't shy about getting their hands dirty, sometimes they're just shy in general and aren't sure where to start.

You seem to know your way around and I think your readers would take you seriously.

Thanks in advance,
~Sucking Dick For Food


Dear Sucking,

There are indeed a lot of opportunities in Convergence and I know firsthand how it can seem overwhelming and daunting at first.  When I stepped off the boat, I barely had a penny to my name and was living on the streets.

My first job was at the Porn Shop, Hedonism, across from the Theater.  I would definitely suggest to any newbie; give it a try.  The owners are good people, they pay in cash, and will treat you well as long as you're not out-right stealing.  You'll also get discounts on sex toys and lube.  Can't beat that now can you?

As you said, there is the Bistro where you can wait tables, and the Nexus is always looking for anyone with even the tiniest bit of medical or pharmaceutical training.  If that's not your cup of tea, perhaps nearby you could stop by the Cemetery and see if they are need of someone helping to clear graves or dig them.  Not into gardening?  What about law enforcement?  The new CSA is looking for a few good people.  The Factory Club hires bartenders, strippers, and security.  The Greasy Wrench Garage looks for people with any kind of repair know-how.  The Occult shop is looking for people to stock shelves, or sell trinkets.  What about the Silk District?  There's tons of work down at the Silk District; including cooks and waiters for the Sushi Shop, people to serve tea in the Tea House, masseuses in the Bath House, or if you'd like to continue sucking dick, what about going to work in the Brothel, so you get better conditions and better pay?

But wait, there's more!

There's the Salon where you could cut hair or do people's make-up.  Black Snake Moan, music shop hires people to help stock their shelves and work the counter.  There's the Diner, the Motel, the Greenhouse, the Laundromat, the Gym, the Theater and then there's always the Convergence Chronicle itself!

The point is, Convergence is a wealth of things to do and get paid to do.  What it takes is two feet to walk there, and a voice to ask for help.

Though I can't claim that everyone in Convergence is a shining beacon of niceties, there are a good number of decent people who will be more than willing to help a new person out.





Dear Sleepless,

I recently went down to the Night Market to buy some spices and a book for a friend.  While I was there I got a good look at the Maestro.  I've seen him around town a few times, but this was the first time I really got a good look at him.

I was completely blown away.  He looked my way for a moment and gave me this gut-wrenching grin and even a wink!

I think I'm in love.  What do I do!?  I can't stop thinking about him.

I keep going down to the Night Market to buy crazy things.  I've bought some bugs, a tapestry, and a jar of stuff I can't identify.  I'm going to go broke!

He's such a handsome red-headed rogue, and I have the most amazing dreams thinking about him.  It's probably a stretch believing he would ever look to someone plain like myself, but he winked, so that's something right?  He always asks if there's anything that he can help with, while I'm down there, so maybe he's noticed me.

You have to help me!  I know you're connected around Convergence.

Sincerely,
Hot for Hot-Red



Dear 'I Have a Death Wish,'

Have you completely blocked out the vision of beautiful Japanese loveliness that is constantly on his lap when you visit the Night Market?

I realize that love is blind, but you need your eyes checked.

That man is T.A.K.E.N.

In fact, let me help all of Convergence.  Nana Tsukino is one of the Night Market's finest Pit Fighters and she will stab you for looking at her man.  She doesn't care if you are a man, a woman, or otherwise.

The Maestro is a terrible flirt, and yes he is one heck of a nice eye candy, but he's not worth losing your genitals.  I mean, unless maybe you're into that sort of thing.

Do yourself a favor and stop falling for surface-y wiles.  It's making him tons of money and potentially putting you at the end of a blade.

Maybe aim a little higher?  As in, on the streets instead of in the sewers?







Dear Sleepless,

I'm a twenty-one-year-old virgin living with my elderly grandmother.  We're rather poor and in a poor part of town.  I am getting tired of the old woman, really.  I kind of want to venture out, get a steady job and just enjoy what Convergence life has to offer.

When ever I go farther than the market, she calls me a trollop, tramp, whore, or other terrible things.

I don't think I'm a bad person, or bad to look at.  Sometimes I just want to splash on some lavender perfume and head to the Bistro or maybe even the Club I've heard so much about!

Sleepless...what do I do?

Sincerely,
Virgin Dollface



Dear Dollface,

Firstly, stop making your virginity a staple.  It sounds like the only real reason you're a virgin is because you haven't had the opportunity to be around enough people to screw.  You do not have a 'virginal mindset.'  You clearly want to touch, and be touched, but the world you live in just won't allow for it.

You're not a child.  You're not an innocent.  You're a Convergence Denizen, so let's start acting like it, shall we?

Secondly, do not dare use lavender.  Just don't.  Half the city uses lavender perfume.  If you want to stand out and get someone to look at you and perhaps start sniffing your way, get something original.

Now then, let's talk about your situation.  You live with an old lady in a bad part of town.  Are you sure you locked the door the last time you went to market?  This is Convergence and it's the End of the World.  Bad things happen

It's time you start asking yourself, is this my life, or hers?