The Man with the Van

The Man with the Van

Here at the Convergence Chronicle, we try to offer the most interesting and informative entertainment. Sometimes it varies drastically, covering everything from doom stars, to chinchilla takeovers.  No two months are alike.  Keeping with this theme, and in spirit of the exciting season, we offer in the month of December an interview with none other than the Traveling Merchant, Mister K. Partridge. 

The interview started in the most unexpectedly, unanticipated, Partridge manner. We at the Convergence Chronicle expected him to use something as simple as a door, but even that was far too mundane. It is not his style. 

At first, nothing seemed out of place, but then a red ball of swirling energy appeared in the corner of the room, just behind the front desk. The ball buzzed and swirled with magical energy, slowly growing in size, faster, and faster, until it formed the oval shape of a portal. Then, he emerged, singing cheerfully, "Kumbaya my Lord, kumbaya." 

He arrived in unique, high-fashion, wearing a green sequin jacket. After offering the most tongue-in-cheek praise to some of the old Christian hymns. "'Christian Crazies really do do a catchy song. Like...like that Christmas one. Shit...how does it go?  Hallelujah. Halleluuujah. Halleluuuujah. Halleeeeeeeeluuuuuuuuuuujahhhhh." 

Oh, and just for your everyone's information; he was also randomly holding a severed arm in his right hand. Because apparently, people love bringing severed body parts to the Chronicle. We at the Convergence Chronicle understand that you love us and want us to learn to hunt, but please do not bring us body parts. It weirds out the cat. This time, however, the office cat seemed to desire to make the hand his partner.

Alexi Alkaev greeted Mr.  Partridge with,  "Hey, thanks for coming! And, for not bringing the van. That's the only song of theirs I know the lyrics to, too. Did you know you could sing 'Oh, Christmas Tree' using only the words, 'Oh Christmas Tree?'" He extended his hand to offer a shake, but quickly withdrew it, and simply waved as Alkaev continued "Hey, um, need a hand...um... with that?" This was off to an amazing start. "H-have a seat!"

Ruukah Kurosawa chimed in, "See?"  He said raising the hand holding his dagger and gesturing toward the Merchant.  "What have I always told you? A human hand is one of the most advantageous things to keep in this day-and-age.  People call me strange or crazy, but it is quite helpful and this man understands the utility."  With that, he sat down and leaned his elbows against his knees.  "Hn.  Now 'Oh Christmas Tree' is going to be stuck in my head."

Mister K. Partridge gave me an awkward hi-5 with the severed arm's hand after threatening my husband. Well earned, and quite amusing as he explained, "Oh this thing? Well an associate with me was in my debt, said if I ever needed a hand with anything well...well I just don't like debts, they're bad for business I think. So I removed his debt," He continued. "Can I just, leave this anywhere?" He then proceeded to throw the hand onto a nearby chair. "Oh it is my pleasure to be here darlin', anything I can do for Convergence, I will do so happily." He then requested to feel my breasts. 

Alexi Alkaev commented, "Well, thank you for your words, but I think it would be up to my mate, on that. They are, after all, mostly for him and his son."

Ruukah shrugged, commenting on being threatened earlier, "Can you tickle someone to death..."  Was that a question?  The words sounded like a question and yet the inflection was as if he were making a statement and not a question.  It wasn't threatening, it was just...there, a musing. "They're boobie traps."  Ruukah eventually stated to Partridge about touchin Alkaev's breasts.

Mister K. Partridge responded to Ruukah, "Let's find out sometime. We'll make a day of it," He responded to the wondering of whether you could tickle someone to death. "You know, some people have tickling as a kink? Why can't people just be into normal stuff like me. I mean I'm happy just dressed as a Samurai nailing a girl dressed as a clown while twins watch and throw confetti over us while I'm being whipped by a- you know what, never mind. I'm, I'm a private guy," He chuckled while giving a single, slow poke to my breast.  Then asked if he could be a godfather to my children. 

Well, why the <redacted> not? Could there be anyone more interesting and worldly?

The strange introductions continued, with a short interlude about our children.  "Yes, a girl of five and a boy that is nearly one year." Alkaev offered.

Ruukah nodded in regard to the children.  "Two of them, actually, but Alexi was referring to our son and the boobs.  We have a daughter turning five, and our son...he's almost a year old.  He's pretty 'normal' save for the fact that he farts a lot."  Deadpan, all of it said rather deadpan.  

To the question of being a Godfather, Ruukah opened a single eye as if he was considering it, then shrugged.  "Why the [redacted] not?" 

After showing off some pictures of our little ones, the interview began! "You have been serving our fair city for quite some time, we're sure that citizens are just dying..." Deadpan. "...to hear your story."

Mister K. Partridge waved his arms around as he spun his way into a chair. "Ivonne, beautiful name. I once had a giraffe named Ivonne...I wonder if she ever went to art school like she dreamed." He sighed, trailing off for a moment before looking back. "Yeah! You ain't gonna regret this, no sir! Oh, look at them there. Just adorable. Don't you worry. I'll make them into real killers. Killers at making a profit that is!" He laughed, "And, y'know, at killing people too," He nodded again. "Come on then, ask away! Ask whatever your heart desires."

Alexi Alkaev replied, "I'm sure [the children] will be graced with many, many... many unusual stories." There was no real comment for the giraffe. With this man, in particular, and in this city,one would pretty much believe <redacted> near anything. "Well, I want to thank you again! I know you are a very busy person, so I don't want to take too much of your time. I will not ask you trade secrets, and if there is anything that you don't want to explain or speak of, just let us know. It will be no problem." And thus began our delving into the Man with the Van.

"Well, I suppose I should ask this, first. How did you come to this profession? Trade is nothing unusual, but your trade is very unique! How did you come to be our door to the strange outside?"  Alkaev asked.

Ruukah's lip actually quirked into a smirk, the first real expression he'd made the whole time.  "I do not think you have to worry about the 'killer' part with Ivonne.  She's pretty much a spitfire already...got her life planned out.  Going to be president and marry the most beautiful woman on 'Earf.'"  He shook his head,  "And if anyone tries to stop her, she's going to 'beafs dems up.'  Our son is a bit gentle though, that's Kazimir. His first words were 'I wuv yuu.'  To everyone and everything...even his bottle. And I am sure the giraffe made her dreams come true." Party faise. :|   Before continuing on with Alkaev's questioning, "Hmm, indeed.  While there may be other traders in the world, there is only one K. Partridge."

Mister K. Partridge took in a deep inhale as Alexi asked his first question. "I did not choose this profession. It was chosen for me. I haven't always been a salesman as I am now. Once I guided large, metal beasts across nations full of all kinds of goods. But it was always for someone else, never for m'self. And then...well then the voices found me. They guided me, taught me, lifted me up above the others and brought me my kingdom!" He exclaimed, "The voices guided me here, and they guided me there. They guide me to rare goods, they guide me to rich markets. But when Convergence appeared...when it came to this world...oh the voices they all started losing their <redacted> minds!" He laughed hysterically, "They screamed, roared, cried out for me to come here. And here, I came."

Alexi Alkaev cooed with curiosity, "Interesting. So, you were here before the city, then? You were guided here by these voices. The ones that lead you to interesting goods. Do you happen to know who they are? If you don't wish to speak of that, it's fine," He reminded the man in a light tone. "Were they happy that you had come here? Was there a particular reason they wanted you to come to Convergence? Frankly, I am always interested in the things you bring. I am very much one to enjoy random, surprise things, and you deliver so perfectly in that! <Redacted>, I just like seeing what you have in stock, even if I don't get anything!"

Ruukah seemed to consider for a moment.  "You guided large metal beasts around...but for others.  Like the conductors of trains.  They would sit and guide them around, their bellies busting full of goods, but never for themselves...always for the fat..."  A pause to look at the cat making near sweet love to that severed hand.  "...Cats who didn't really care much for the men and women, under them, so long as the goods got where they needed to go. But now the work is in your hands, for the most part.  You do it all for your customers, as you pride yourself upon in all pitches.  And the voices, of course."

Mister K. Partridge's head turned to look at Alexi, silent for a good few, serious moments. "I have a very fabulous history with the city of Convergence...or maybe I don't...maybe just the voices do, it's hard to separate us some times. But the voices...oh boy do they love this place. The whispers doubled, tripled and more when we knew of this place. The voices Will is only known to them, I am but a humble servant of their greatness. It is they who direct all my transactions. They often guide me to certain items, and then tell me to sell them in certain locations. Maybe they have a grand plan. Me? I just love seeing the happy smiles on satisfied customers," He chuckled. "I sure am glad you are one of my loyal fans here! The people of Convergence are really special, I love 'em," He grinned. "The voices...they have always been, and always will be. They...they change how I see things now. Before D13...after it...I'm not sure at all."

Alexi Alkaev smiled warmly to the man before them. "That is very interesting. We are grateful for them, and you for following their suggestions. You have helped a good number of people with very interesting tasks! For what it is worth, I thank you on behalf of the city for your efforts. You must have a love for adventure. I assume you go into some very dangerous places. Has there been a few scary times?"

Ruukah said, "Ah, yes, quite grateful. Mmm...some very scary places indeed, and quite swiftly.  Though, if your entrance into our abode is any indication, you may have yourself some pretty fancy transportation.  Do you often flit about via...balls?"  Deadpan.

Mister K. Partridge nodded, "Oh yes, I've been all over. I was there when Lincoln was shot, there when Malcolm X was shot, there when Doctor King was shot, there when Kennedy was shot, there when Reagan was shot, there when Bin Laden was shot, there when Trump should have been shot...all fun times," He sighed with fond pleasure. "Oh, and this new world has brought plenty of opportunities for me to see the most wonderful and dangerous things. I've seen through the mist in Tokyo, I've seen Rome burned by the demons, I've seen Underkin fight Underkin, I've seen Hawaii flooded by Elementals, I've seen Caesar's army storm the beaches of Cuba..." He trailed off, looking back to Ruukah. "The Dark...now there is an adventure," He chuckled, "Water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink!" He said, as if it was related to some great puzzle. "And my powers are the gifts of the voices. I serve them, and they reward me."

Alexi Alkaev smiled and leaned forward a bit. "Well, they lead you very well! What was the most interesting thing they lead you to? I mean, almost everything is, really? And do you have any talents for combat? With all the places you have been and seen I'm sure you must kick some brutal <redacted>."

Ruukah shrugged and licked his lips, simply replying.  "Ah yes...Tokyo...all those <redacted> Voidskreeths crawling up the buildings."  Continuing with.  "Like 'Water World'...?" In reaction to his cryptic words about water.  Before following up,  "I heard the van could kick some <redacted>.  I even thought I saw it once during the Elemental battles. I was in a tornado."

Mister K. Partridge considered,  "The stuff outside Toyko was interesting. When I found all that Convergence related stuff. That was a mind <redacted> right there. The voices once....led me to a building. It was burning like the sun itself had moved in....but I walked into the building. They guided me through as figures watched me...strange ghostly figures...and I recovered a box, which I later sold here...." He trailed off. "Oh and I once got shot by Ellen DeGeneres. That was fun." He mused, then began to laugh. "Oh, I can fight alright, just you ask Red, or Raziel, you folks call him, I think. I stabbed him right in his shoulder and neck once." He snickered. "But there's been plenty of times the voices guide me to a place that is occupied. Then I begin to twitch, to shake, and then I black out. When I wake up everyone's dead, and I've got blood up to my elbow," Quickly looking to Ruukah, Patridge grinned, "Hey I loved that movie! Y'know I was an extra in it? Look out for me when you next watch it," He insisted.

Alexi Alkaev was interested, "The Tokyo dome? How did you manage that? Like Ruukah said, our friend got a nasty case of no hand from that!" He chuckled and waved his hand dismissively. "I remember when you brought those things! I remember a spear, like Nassir's, right? That was some weird <redacted>. Ruukah and I were just eating that information up!" He touched his fingers to his mouth. "Oh my Goddess, blacking out like that must be horribly frightening! Are you okay after? I mean, other than all the blood everywhere." 

After quite a lot of note taking, Alkaev continued. "Well, I worry we are taking too much of you time here.  Ruukah, is there anything you would like to ask? Mister Partridge, is there anything you would like to add?"

At this time, for whatever reason, a small crowd had gathered outside the Converge Chronicle.  Perhaps they saw the sparkling green jacket through the window?

Ruukah said he would be attentive the next time he watched 'Water World.' Then nodded a few times before wetting his lips.  "Umm...have the voices ever led you to an object you simply could not obtain, or that needed you to get another object first before you could touch it or haul whatever it was? Other than that, if you have a single message you would want the citizens of Convergence to know came from you and only you...something to get them through Dark days, or maybe even something just that is uniquely 'you'...what would that message be?"

Mister K. Partridge grinned when asked of Tokyo "I already told you, my friend...the voices guide me." He stated quite factually. "And oh yes...I mean, I'm a lil dizzy, and sometimes I got a wound or two from the fight, but I'm as right as a pink elephant after a couple sips of the magic juice," He laughed. "Convergence needs to know the rules have changed. All of the forces in this world. The people, the money, the power, the magic and even nature itself. They've all changed their paths and are flowing into Convergence now. You can all save this world, you can dominate it...or you could destroy it. You don't owe this world a <redacted> thing." He told the Convergence Chronicle, giving a small nod before looking to Ruukah again. "The voices do not fail. If an item cannot be obtained, they will find a way for it to be obtained." 

Alexi Alkaev chuckled, "Thank you so, so, much for coming. I wish we could have you again. You are truly an amazing guest. We look forward to seeing you again, Mister Partridge. Oh! And don't forget your... um... hand." The cat was asleep with it. 

The end of the interview was jovial.  Mister K. Partridge chuckled and stood up as Alexi did. The Convergence Chronicle offered thanks, hugs, and shared in a bit of fanboying. It was a wonderful thought-provoking evening filled with laughter and smiles. He was invited to Christmas with the Kurosawas, and to Alexi and Ruukah's wedding. After everything concluded he wandered off further into the Chronicle, until he found the bathroom and just kind of vanished.  

It is also worth noting, that he clogged the <redacted> out of our toilet. 

We at the Convergence Chronicle want to once again thank Mister K. Partridge for joining us and hope you all enjoyed reading about this wonderful and mysterious interview.

Reporter: Alexi Alkaev